With a blog with the word "skinny" in the name I think it's important to talk about body image and my personal journey.
TRIGGER WARNING
I have NEVER talked about this stuff before, haven’t really even been honest with myself up until fairly recently. Even after posting about it on social media, I received a call from my dad saying "I had no idea."
After I had Ivy, I felt SO lost and scared. I didn’t know how to be a mom, I didn’t think my boyfriend would want anything to do with me when my body was all jacked up from giving birth. I saw all these famous people pop out babies and look amazing the next day. My own grandma said she left the hospital wearing her size 0 jeans. Why didn’t I just get a flat belly right away, what was I supposed to do with all this skin and fat? I felt like a cow and then to top it off, I am breastfeeding so even more cow like. How was I ever gonna be someone my boyfriend would want again, how was he ever going to find me attractive? I felt like I was losing him already, I NEEDED to get my body back. I couldn’t control so much of my life at that time but I knew how to get skinny.
The literal second I was done breastfeeding (which was when she was about 4 months old) I went on a diet that consisted of about 500 calories a day (MAXIMUM). I was in a horrible depression so it was so easy for me to not eat and once I saw results and other people started noticing too, it was a wrap. It fueled my fire, whether people were complimenting or surprised to see how thin I was, it was like pouring gasoline on a fire.
The picture on the right is 7 months after I had Ivy and the height of my depression and eating disorder. The picture on the left is 8 years (and a lot of intentionality) later.
I started telling myself I didn’t deserve to eat and that I was disgusting. All in my head and all by myself. No one had any clue, and if they did they pretended they didn’t. I remember so clearly one night Derek ordering pizza and I just started crying, I couldn’t eat it. There was no discussion, I am sure I just made up a different reason as to why I cried, but I cried cause I wanted it so bad and I couldn’t allow myself to have it.
The point is, it got bad and lasted a long time. I was starting to gain weight back and normalize my eating when I got pregnant with Ezra. While pregnant I started going to therapy for fear that I would spiral into a depression again after having him. I never addressed my eating or body image issues I just truly pretended they weren’t a thing. After I had him, I worked hard in not slipping into the same patterns, I was better this time around but guess what? The NEED to be skinny was still there, I was more careful to not get to the point I did with Ivy but I was still skipping meals and overly working out. If I ate an “inappropriate” amount I would make myself sick. Being skinny was THE GOAL. I wanted to be the mom everyone said “omg you had 2 kids” to.
Looking back on it, I am in disbelief with myself. How did I get there? Why did I place ALL of my worth in how I looked?
When I got pregnant with Eden I prayed and prayed that it would be different this time. I didn’t want to suffer with postpartum again, I COULDN’T go through that again. I had my kids counting on me, my daughter was getting older. I started to admit to myself, and my mom about my struggle with weight and body image. I talked about how I didn’t want to go crazy anymore to attain “perfection.” I wanted to just be happy and soak up this time.
By the literal grace of God and support of my husband, mom and a few trusted friends, I was able to start to accept myself and stop the madness. I had my beautiful baby girl in a brand new city and I started anew. I didn’t need to be Laine the “skinny mom.” I could just be Laine the mom of 3. I took the pressure off myself and started to embrace where I was and what I had just done. I grew a human inside of my body for 9 months and I don’t need to get back down to pre baby weight in any rush or even at all.
The journey of acceptance is still ongoing. I am still learning to love myself, to love my body and to embrace my curves, my imperfections, my cellulite or stretch marks. I want to be healthy, strong, and confident but more than anything, I just want to appreciate where I am today and not strive to be more (or less) just to live in gratitude for all my body has done for me thus far.
Skinny Mom Jeans. A name I struggled with in relaunching. This isn’t a blog about being “skinny.” It’s a place where ALL are welcome. Where mental and physical health are the focus. A place where we release pressure to be any certain way.
Skinny Mom Jeans
A play on words meaning just cause we’re mamas doesn’t mean we have to retire our skinny jeans and run around in mom jeans and drive mini vans (although I own both and LOVE them so... DO YOU)
xoxo